Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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