If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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