I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
