...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
