i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
