you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize