I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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