My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
