I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
