I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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