I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
