why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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