Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
