Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
