Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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