I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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