you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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