A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
