It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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