My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My vagina just recognized that song.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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