My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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