I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
