He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
