and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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