ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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