he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
