..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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