your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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