my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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