We are two peas in an std pod
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
