You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
