then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize