if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
