can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
