i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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