We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
