I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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