Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize