if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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