just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize