went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
