No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
