I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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