Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
