But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
