I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
