I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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