watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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