my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
