Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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