I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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