and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
