Betty ford says i'm here all night
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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