I feel like I'm in dance class right now
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
