Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
