You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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